Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.