There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
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My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*smoke detector goes off*
*toddler runs around screaming*
*smoke detector goes off again*
wife *walks into the kitchen*
me: How was your nap?
Judge: how do you plead?
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”
– My Dad
When someone rings my doorbell, I’m every bit as upset as my dogs.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry