Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
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My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.