Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Who did it better?

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice