Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
only 11 steps left
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!