Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I’ve had relationships like this
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?