@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

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@primawesome

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

@daemonic3

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

@BrassBallsCJ

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

@PresidentGrimes

I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers.

America needs a first lady.

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]