Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.