Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Lmao
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*