Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.