Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
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How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Every damn time
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.