Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?