Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “