Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
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NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though