Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.