Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.