Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.