Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
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Wednesday
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate