Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night