Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#inspiration #foodforthought

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.