Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Cheer up.

I feel this so hard

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.