Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.