Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Happy Thanksgiving
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that