Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

skipping every song that reminds me of him

-me, listing to the playlist i made for him

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*