Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why font matters.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Well, shit

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

ㅤㅤ