Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

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