If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
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Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.