Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
no such thing as a dumb question
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying