Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
You Might Also Like
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
He’s dead
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me