Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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