Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

When he asks for feet pics

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off