At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
They must have gotten it to go.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.