Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

😭😭😭

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?