Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever