Yoga Matt
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Why is this me 😫
tell em, edith-anne
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.