Yoga Matt
You Might Also Like
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I created you as mosquito food.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.