Yoga Matt
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my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Day 2 of my diet
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
if my sleeping schedule was a person
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab