Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.