Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space