Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

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Why hello, dear!
“trent, did you bring cue cards to read off of during our date?”
Lovely weather!
“and did you only bring two?”
Why hello, d


All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun


Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.


i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later


Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.


If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.


[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true


The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.


ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body.
HER: Did they?
ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?