Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

sugar glider wrangler

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba