Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

no one ever comes back

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

shakira sharkira

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

shit just got real

adding to the discourse

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

still the best tweet of the year by far

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September