Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

So, can we agree on 4 or

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.