Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
![]()
You Might Also Like
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a