Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.