Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
hi why am I like this
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT