Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Yup….perfect score!

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait