Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

I created you as mosquito food.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”