[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.