[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My humor is broken
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Every haunted house movie:
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what