Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Saw this yesterday lol

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.