YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
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A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team