Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

🤭

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

I didn’t realize that was an option

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.