YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
