YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires