YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
This week’s mood.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no