Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.