Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom