Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.