“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
No Google it does not
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore