yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
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– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
#JohnTravolta
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
それは草
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
The most accurate map ever devised.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag