Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.