Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe