Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Jurassic park gets weird

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.