Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
what day is it?
