Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
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When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Do one person every day that scares you.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth