Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.