Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.