Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

I’m not stressed

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then