Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
a New Yorker reject, for you
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.