Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*