Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

me logging onto twitter

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..