“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
TODAY
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.