YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.