YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.